ABC

After coming back from Cricket today I expressed my love for the sport with yet another blog.

It's similar to that of the MLSHSPL that I made earlier in the year but for cricket =)

Round 1

Alright Ladies and Gentleman the results of round one are in. Let's see how you did.

Sebastian Lightyear vs Sweet Raptor Jesus
Sebastian was first on the attack, hammering away at Sweet Raptor Jesus fragile face.

Left Jab, Right Jab, Raptor Jesus was on the ropes.

The Camera soaked with Sweet Raptor Jesus blood.

The Diving Elbow Drop pretty much seals it.

Wait! Whats This? SRJ Uses Tailwhip!
Its super effective.


Oh my. In a massive comeback, SRJ has dug into Sebastians jugular.

It's all over folks, Sweet Raptor Jesus emerges as the Victor. What a match.

El-Salvador vs K7f37gf Super Bot Deluxe Ultimo 1200

In the poorest match in history El-Salvador manages to mess up super bot's wiring.
That's all she wrote as Super bot gets the red ring of death.

Michael Owen Card vs Mr.Smith

Michael's one on one, the world knows he's going to stuff up. He hits the deck hoping for a penalty. A bemused Mr.Smith capitalises by stomping Michael down, much to the approval of everyone.

Blood spatters the camera. The crowd's going wild, Michael's getting what he deserves.


Oh I can't believe this. It's Alex Ferguson, he's seen Owens pamphlet and has decided to pick him up on a free transfer. He bats Mr.Smith over the head with Vidic. Smiths out cold. Oh mercy, Owen pins Mr.Smith and he's won it. This truly is a sad day for man kind.

Round 2

Sweet Raptor Jesus vs El-Salvador

And Michael Owen has made it through to the finals based on a competition error, there's not enough competitors.

Anti Backyard Cricket

Thanks to India many people see cricket as fireworks, Indian dancers, 20 overs and aggressive shots. What happened to the good old days when cricket went for five days and one attacking shot was played every five overs? 20/20 is demolishing cricket. This is how Anti-Backyard Cricket was formed, as a form of rebellion against the terrors of 20/20. The rules are quite simple, pretty much the opposite of backyard cricket;

• Hitting a four is out, Hitting a six is not but you do have to go and get the ball.
  
• Any park objects such as swings, trees or bins act as fielders, if they catch you your out.
• If your dismissed first ball, too bad.
  
• You HAVE to bowl right after you bat
• Lunch and Tea will consist of two beers at least, in true blue Aussie fashion.
• Each batter has two innings.
• The person who get's a batter out is in, unless that person has already batted
  
• In the event of a catch, the catcher bats not the bowler.
  
• It is not tip and run
• Benefit of the doubt goes to the batter, not the bowler.
• Bowlers can bowl a maximum of 30 balls in a row before having to be replaced.
• No Autowicky.
• No way in hell is it one hand one bounce.

The aim is simple, to produce a long, high pressure game with quality stroke play and careful bowling as opposed to the slogging tip and run crap that is backyard cricket.

So now fellow Australians next time your playing cricket with a group of mates, don't play backyard cricket, play Anti-Backyard cricket.

*Rules are subject to a brief period of change*

The horrors of boredom.

Today I was bored. Really, dangerously bored. The Internet was down, Dad was messing around with the power and every single friend of mine had vanished. Naturally I decided to go back to my roots, those good old days when I was six, pitting my toys against each other and making pew pew noises as a means of entertainment (come on, I know you've all done it). After at least 45 minutes looking under the house for suitable candidates I ended up with the greatest group of fighters the world has ever seen.

Professor Sebastian Lightyear

Weighing in at 6 grams Sebastian, the local Perth lad is a favourite to win this competition. Prior to this event Sebastian was flying from planet to planet in search of Osama bin Laden and helping local alien life. With a neat blinking light that doesn't work anymore and a deactivated Jetpack it's no wonder he's beloved by everyone in San Diego.

K7f37gf Super Bot Deluxe Ultimo 1200
Not much is known about K7f37gf Super Bot Deluxe Ultimo 1200 except that it was created by everyones favourite German president, President von Hindenburg in 1933. It has been said that K7f37gf Super Bot Deluxe Ultimo 1200 is capable of warming up burritos, much like a microwave and that it can travel through time. In high school it was voted, most likely to suck eggs so it's going to be interesting to see what it can produce.




Mr.Smith
With a name as original as that, he's won the hearts of many of the local ladies. This mountain climbing, astronaut billionaire cowboy has ticked every achievement off except one, to win this tournament. He faces stiff competition but wields a powerful torch with the unimaginable ability to light dark areas.

El-Salvador
Brother of the infamous Trogdor the burninator, El-Salvador lives an alternative lifestyle. A strict vegetarian with no physical strength at all, this Mexican folk legend depends largely on his intelligence. He loves fine art and classical music and would much rather help needy African children or read a book than fight however Sweet Raptor Jesus has stolen his reading glasses and will only give them back if he beats him in the tournament.






Sweet Raptor Jesus
Sweet Raptor Jesus went extinct for your sins but now he's back. For revenge. Sweet Raptor Jesus only entered this competition as a way of legally slaughtering arch nemesis El-Salvador who once slept with his misses. Sweet Raptor Jesus is armed with nine inch nails and a mighty intellect, capable of opening doors in under five minutes.

Michael Owen Card

To be honest the only reason Michael Owen Card managed to get into this elite tournament was that I couldn't find any more toys. Michael Owen card is blessed with an inability to score, both goals and with ladies. He has the strength of a school girl and I'd be quite surprised to see him even make it to his first match uninjured. The only thing Michael Owen Card has working for him is the fact that he's wearing a Newcastle Kit which appeals to the completely bias tournament king, me.



Round One is as follows:
Michael Owen Card vs Mr.Smith
Sebastian Lightyear vs Sweet Raptor Jesus
El-Salvador vs K7f37gf Super Bot Deluxe Ultimo 1200


With this lineup of ultimate fighting beings the tournament can begin. So vote for your favourite in the box provided to the left, donate all your money to me and we'll have the results of round one posted soon.


Disclaimer: I'd just like to point out that at no stage during the making of this tournament did I ever smash two opponents together and make pew pew noises as this would be widely viewed as immature. Seriously I didn't. Not even once. I'd also like to add my apologies for the pathetic photos, no one would tell me where the camera was so I had to use my phone.

Work - Starring Jordan Welsh, narrated by Morgan Freeman

When we last left you Jordan was being felt up by what can only be described as a wild snorlax, being tormented by Children and drinking his weight in slushies. This week, not much has changed. Work is presented today before you by Morgan Freeman and filmed infront of a live studio audience.

It's 9:45 and Jordan's having a quality dream. One of those dreams you get where it's pretty much a high action movie and you don't want it to end. As the dream heats up in action Jordan is woken up by his phone. Furious that this fantastic dream has been interrupted he strikes down upon the phone with great vengeance and furious anger. Then there is silence. Happily he lays back on his pillow hoping to get back to sleep but it was not to be as the demonic ringing starts again. He reluctantly answers it, hoping it might at least be good news, imagine his face when he realises it's Bayswater Waves Cafe overlord Twee wanting him to come in.
"Jordan I'm running late can you go in now"
"Now?"
"Now."
With a mighty sigh Jordan heaves himself out of bed, whips on his clothes and is out the door, grumpy, tired and hungry.

First things first, Jordan grabs a slushy. This cheers him up but only slightly. A few hours whiz past as he puts on a poor fake smile for the customers and holds back his grumbles. Things take a turn for the worst as the WILD SNORLAX appears. Jordan was all out of ultra balls so there was nothing he could do. To start her shift she gives him a hefty elbow in the side. Then conversation begins. "I'm such a great person, my weekends are so good, I always go out, This one time...." After five minutes of this persistent self obsessed conversation Jordan thinks to himself "What would Fin do?" Halfway through one of her sentences he picks up a chip box and throws it on the ground. "Pick it up." He demands. "No I'm not your slave" She mutters back. The trick worked as slightly upset she walks off. To celebrate his victory Jordan awards himself another slushy.

Wild snorlax was not Jordans biggest problem however, despite her random slaps on various body parts and conversations that deteriorated Jordans IQ at least she wasn't poisonous. For the majority of the day he was hounded by one particular asian who's only goal was to bring the mighty Jordan to a sicking end. "Try this nectarine, try this vegetable juice, Jordan I make you this." It is a miracle he's still standing as the vegetable juice tasted like foot and burnt hair. Jordan eventually succumbed to a cheese croissant which was a dangerous thing for him to eat given that it's prepared in possibly the most unhygienic kitchen known to mankind. Never the less it tasted reasonably good and did not put up much of a fight in his stomach.

By 3.00 Jordan is understandably bored and fed up with this whole work thing. With no babes to look at he decides to take his boredom out on unsuspecting customers. A child of about 12 enters the fray. "How much is sauce?" He asks. "2cents" was the instant reply. The boy responded by looking at a five cent piece, then looking back at Jordan, then the five cent piece again. "How do I do that?" He eventually asks. In the end the boy did get the sauce and Jordan was marginally less grumpy thanks to the poor entertainment he provided himself.

4.00 is cleaning time so naturally Jordan is to be found as far away from the shop as possible while still getting payed. He's taken the bin bags around to the big bin outside and is now lying on the grass in the sunshine drinking a slushy. After 15 minutes or so he decides to head back and is devastated when he finds that there has been no progress what so ever in the cleaning. By 6.00 he's widdled his way past cleaning and heads for the exit, glad that the day is finally at an end.

Hail Britania

Get the following images our of your heads before we continue. Not all English people look like the people below, just most of them.

England
England is a country of magnificence. Food, drink, people, England has it all. After watching some football and drinking a cup of tea I decided to pay my fair dues to England and point out its good points.

Food / Drink
The foods not elegant but it's sure as hell tasty. You can't go past the curries, fish and chips and tea. Then theres the quality beer, ohhh the quality beer.

Sports
Football and cricket are the English's gift to you. Nowhere will you find a sporting nation like England, pretty much every man and his dog talks about sports from dawn to dusk. The best part is instead of wasting time on the Internet, they're out they're scoring, saving, hitting sixes and taking wickets. Oh Christ I'm getting homesick.




Rolling Countrysides
When your sick of various people such as Mike Ashley or your mother you can pop down to the countryside for some alone time. Pissing off fishing is quick and simple, just a half hour drive.

Pubs
Words cannot describe a proper English pub. The smell, the background chatter, the beer, the football on the TV, the proper background music, its bliss.

TV Shows
Mercy, where to begin. Red Dwarf, The Young Ones, Fawlty Towers, Blackadder, Dark Space, The IT Crowd, Peep Show, Spaced to name a few. Biblically funny.

Music
The Clash, Kasabian, The Cure, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Queen, Pink Floyd. Nuff said.

Now that is what I'd call a respectable line up. I challenge you Australians, Asians, Italians and others to beat that, what has your country got?

A Public Service Announcement

Pitiful Humans.

Spare your time for the all power full Mr.Lynch and join.

Mr.Lynch For President

The Lynch commands you.