Jordan Reviews: Free Food

We all get free food on odd occasion, whether it be from a closing shop, a friend or a special offer. The problem is, there is always a catch. In my line of work (Cafeteria Overlord) free food comes thick and fast, every time I work I come back with handfuls of the stuff. Over time I began to realise that the food was in fact disgusting and shouldn't even be fed to the homeless. If you sent this stuff to Africa, they'd most likely send it back. Some of it sits in the tray for the entire day, basking in oil until it ends up in my sexy digestive system. I decided that it couldn't hurt to review the free food I get and if you pay attention you might learn what to avoid at all costs.


We'll start with the almighty cornjack. Cornjacks look so disgusting they have to be put into little bags of their own so people aren't put off by their appearance.

The inside is essentially a sewerage of corn, cheese and various oils and fats. The first bite is a confusing experience, it sits on the line between disgusting and acceptable as you can't quite decide whether to be sick or to take another bite. The next bite is an instant regret as your hit by a corn explosion at which point you ask yourself why your eating such a vile creation. The taste alongside the horrible cornjack related nightmares that generally follow makes it an easy process to rate.
Jordans Rating: 1/5


My personal favourite free food of the day was Chip, the chip. First thing I did when I got to work was stick Chip by himself in the torturing heat of the deep fryer. He remained there until I was leaving, two and a half hours later. I was under the impression Chips can't burn and boy howdy I was right.

Chip did not burn at all. In fact he looked like the sort of chip preferred by most people, golden brown and crunchy. Despite Chips pleasing appearance he reaped his revenge by tasting like a mixture of dirt and plywood. Two and a half hours worth of deep frying caused Chip to fail the one thing he was born to do, taste good.
Jordans Rating: 2/5

Next up on the agenda is a Chicken Dim sum. I quite like chicken Dim sums and if it weren't for there biblical price would eat them more often. Getting my hands on a chicken dim sum is no easy task, they're allot of customers favourite. Today however I prevailed using my Chinese mind tricks to prevent anyone buying it. One person asked for it and I convinced him we didnt have any despite it being displayed infront of him.

Here is the chicken dim sum in all its glory, golden brown, cooked to perfection by the greatest chief to work in Bayswater Waves. If it weren't for the imminate heart attack that follows the oil soaked chicken dim sum it would be a quality food.
Jordans Rating: 4/5

Lastly I managed to sneak out a coffee. The process of sneaking out a coffee is a traumatic one for the poor liquid and it ends up not being worth it. It all starts at the coffee machine where I create a quality coffee, a nice creamy flat white. To prevent charges of $3.90 I use my cunning. Thanks to the shop being owned by Asian hobbits I can place the coffee on a shelf above their heads until I can make an exit. The exit involves a little walk and by the end of the ordeal the coffee ends up looking and tasting like crap.

The froths gone, the chocolate sprinkles have disappeared, half of its been spilt and its quite cold by the time I manage to drink it.
Jordans Rating: 3/5


In summary watch out for free food, It comes back at you. Whether it be the food that sits in the tray for 8 hours before being consumed or the sickly cornjacks don't say I didn't warn you.